


All I can give you is memories

by Miralana



Series: the moments go by [4]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alpha Bellamy Blake, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Canon-Typical Violence, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Omega John Murphy, Post-Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-09-11
Packaged: 2018-04-20 03:55:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4772564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miralana/pseuds/Miralana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Murphy doesn’t dare to breathe because he knows that he’ll be able to smell Bellamy from this distance and now that he’s not shocked, he’s not sure if he could ignore it.<br/>He’s rigid, not moving because if he doesn’t move and they don’t touch it’s not his fault.<br/>“Murphy,” Bellamy says like it’s no big deal, like he doesn’t look at Murphy with hurt in his eyes and hadn’t left the camp for four weeks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I can give you is memories

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from Raign "Don't Let Me Go"
> 
> Also a big thanks to [keihi](http://keihi.tumblr.com/) who beta read this fic for me.
> 
> A friend of mine recently sent me the following message "............why do you torture Murphy so much, what did he ever do to you?!" and I realised that she's right, I do torture Murphy too much and he does need some good stuff in his life. So, Chino, this Part is for you.

Jaha is up to something.

It’s a realisation that comes four days after the incident in the laundry room.

Jaha is up to something and thinking about this might distract him from the clusterfuck that is his own life.

It’s noon somewhere around NewYear – or maybe that’s tomorrow, Murphy has lost every single bit of sense of time, it might even be mid-January by now – when he notices that Jaha is digging through the pile of scrap metal that someone left near the engineering area. There aren’t a lot of people outside because it’s really cold and Murphy had actually been on his way to the canteen to steal some food because he deliberately missed lunch.

It’s not like he doesn’t want to eat with the others – well, he doesn’t really want to because he doesn’t care – but he doesn’t feel ready to face Bellamy again and he knows from Miller and Monty that Bellamy and the rest of the Hundred have apparently collectively decided that they’re all sitting together again which Murphy neither can nor wants to do.

So he’s walking through the camp thankfully not meeting anyone because everyone is inside since it’s too cold out here when he hears a crash next to him and suddenly sees Jaha rise from the pile of scrap metal.

He thinks he might be going crazy.

Nope, that it still Jaha rising from the pile of junk like a tortoise’s head out of its shell.

Murphy stops in his tracks, hands deep in his pockets, breath hanging before his mouth like a white cloud.

He narrows his eyes, trying to figure out what exactly Jaha is doing but from where he stands he can’t really make it out.

He’s pulling some stuff out from under him, carefully balancing it on his arms and then climbs down from the pile to the ground.

He’s too far away to see Murphy so he just continues to carry the metal piece with him to wherever Jaha is staying.

For a second he thinks about following Jaha, but then he remembers that there is food waiting for him. He has enough free time on his hands now that he’s done with the houses to maybe follow him and sneak around a bit later.

And it’s not like he’s got anything better to do anyway.

 

* * *

 

He’s so late for lunch that there aren’t even people taking care of the dishes there anymore sohe just slips inside and makes his way towards the space were they store leftover food for people who might have to take a longer shift and only get to eat later. Or people like Murphy who don’t really look forward to spending time with people who hate him.

There’s some really horrible smelling soup on the stove and when Murphy lifts the lid from the pot it smells even worse.

But it’s still hot and he has eaten worse things after he had been banished and when they were coming back from the City of Light.

He finds a spoon and a smaller pot somewhere and pours some of the soup in it. Sitting down on one of the stools that they apparently use if they’re too small to reach something, he starts eating.

The soup tastes about as good as it smells and he’s pretty sure that it’s just a bunch of leftovers from the other week mixedwith something liquid and barely-eatable but it’s filling his stomach and it’s making him feel warm from the inside which isn’t really something he feels that often since it’s getting colder and colder.

When he’s nearly done with his soup he hears footsteps approach the kitchen and curses internally. So far he hasn’t gotten into trouble for eating outside the regulated lunch hours but it kind of feels like they’re still looking for a reason to punish him.

He tries to wolf down as much of the soup as he can but it’s hot and he’s pretty sure that he’s getting burns on the inside of his mouth.

When the door opens there is no soup in his pot anymore but it’s too hot to swallow it all at once so he just sits there, cheeks bulging and hopes that it’s no one who knows him that well or whose opinion he gives a damn about.

But this is his fucked up life, so Murphy isn’t sure why he even hoped for anything other than the worst kind of outcome.

It’s Bellamy who opens the door.

Murphy would like to mention that he doesn’t lose all of the soup in his mouth. He keeps it in there, still swallowing it in small gulps and stops moving entirely.

Maybe Bellamy won’t see him, maybe he’ll ignore him.

But Bellamy’s nostrils flare and he turns his head around.

Murphy swallows the rest of the soup and feels like his insides are burning up.

Bellamy lingers awkwardly at the door, his fingers clenching into fists and Murphy isn’t sure if he’s thinking about beating Murphy to a bloody pulp or if he’s thinking about running away but it seems like not moving might be his best decision now.

He gives Bellamy a quick once-over since he doesn’t want to seem any more intruding that he already is and he’s not sure how comfortable Bellamy even is around him. When they had met the other day he hadn’t really looked at him past the initial recognition.

His hair is longer than it had been before he left, with the black curls falling in his eyes. He must have spent a lot of time walking outside because his skin is darker than before – and Murphy didn’t even know it was possible to get a tan in winter. From where he’s sitting he can’t make out if there are more freckles on his skin but he guesses that might be possible. It doesn’t seem like Bellamy has lost a lot of weight during his absence and Murphy feels glad about it. It’s not like he worried about Bellamy not getting any food – mostly because he forced himself not to even think of his name – but seeing it now makes him feel better.

By the time Murphy is done with his analysis of Bellamy’s physique, Bellamy has apparently decided what to do and he’s coming closer to where Murphy is sitting.

Murphy doesn’t dare to breathe because he knows that he’ll be able to smell Bellamy from this distance and now that he’s not shocked, he’s not sure if he could ignore it.

He’s rigid, not moving because if he doesn’t move and they don’t touch it’s not his fault.

“Murphy,” Bellamy says like it’s no big deal, like he doesn’t look at Murphy with hurt in his eyes and hadn’t left the camp for four weeks.

Murphy just nods because saying something would require him to open his mouth which would lead to being able to smell something.

He knows that he can’t keep this up much longer but he just hopes that Bellamy will leave soon. Murphy could technically leave too but that would require him to get up and past Bellamy and he just can't make himself do that. So he stays where he is and waits for Bellamy to do something.

Unfortunately it seems like Bellamy is here for food as well. He crinkles his nose at the stench of the soup and Murphy tries to take a small well placed breath.

Maybe the soup might coverup Bellamy’s scent.

It doesn’t.

Murphy breathes in once and is hit by Bellamy’s scent faster than he can close his mouth again.

It’s dark and rich and Murphy loves it, feels like he needs to be closer to Bellamy.

But he can’t because Bellamy doesn’t want him and because he already ignored this once.

So he just keeps sitting on his stool and tries to ignore Bellamy as much as possible. It doesn’t seem like Bellamy is overly keen on talking to him anyway so Murphy just waits for him to get his food and lean against the other side of kitchen counter.

“How’s Miller?” Bellamy asks and Murphy who is only a second away from getting up and storming out blinks in confusion.

“What?” he asks because he’s pretty sure that Bellamy and Miller have already talked to each other. They’re friends. Probably better friends than Miller and Murphy – which isn’t quite that hard to accomplish.

“Fine, I guess,” he answers because he doesn’t really know. He sees him and Monty a lot of course but it’s not like they spend every waking moment talking about their feelings.

And why is Bellamy even trying to start a conversation with him? Shouldn’t he want Murphy to leave? Shouldn’t he be repulsed by being near Murphy?

Maybe he expects an apology.

It’s not like Murphy doesn’t owe him one.

But if he’s being honest with himself… he doesn’t know what to say.

“So you’re guys are okay?” Bellamy keeps asking and Murphy hands clench.

He shrugs. “As okay as one can be on the ground,” he says and Bellamy nods while taking the first spoonful of soup in his mouth.

He immediately makes a grimace, looking at it like he didn’t guess how disgusting it is by the smell.

“That is horrible,” he says and Murphy rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, tell me about it.”

Bellamy chuckles and a grin steals itself on Murphy’s face.

Of course a second later he remembers what he did to Bellamy and the smile falls from his face.

He jumps to his feet and puts the pot on the counter with more force than necessary.

“I have to go,” he says because leaving without an explanation would make him feel like an even bigger asshole.

He doesn’t look back and just forces himself to walk slowly out of the kitchen. He thinks Bellamy might say something but he can’t listen to him now.

He just needs to be alone.

 

* * *

 

But it’s like on the Ark. You can’t be alone in a camp full of people.

Of course he could try to sneak outside and it’s not like there are any Grounders around here anymore but Murphy actually likes the security of the camp.

The people might suck but it’s nothing compared to being alone on the Ground, without food or water. And he’s not even talking about the catastrophe that was their journey to the City of Light.

He’s willing to do whatever it takes to be allowed to stay here.

And if that means coming clean about what he did he’s okay with that. He just doesn’t want to spend time with Bellamy and feel his gaze on him when he does it.

With nowhere else to go he walks back to his room, opens the door, takes a peek into the room which is thankfully empty and falls down on his bed.

The other thing with living in the camp is that there is absolutely nothing to do. You can work, you can fuck and you can lie around and wait for imminent death. It’s not that different from the dropship, really, they just weren’t working on the same scope back then.

But now they’re done with the houses – or nearly done, about half of the people working on the houses don’t have to work anymore because insulating them requires someone with actual expertise. Murphy doesn’t know what that means and he doesn’t want to know.

Under normal circumstances not having to work would be something Murphy would really enjoy but he’s been off work since yesterday and since he’s not comfortable going outside and spending time in the camp – not that anyone would want him there – he’s been reduced to sitting in his room and hoping that Miller and Monty can keep their hands to themselves. Or find another room.

So far it has kind of worked. But it has only been about a day yet and the only thing that will probably make them stop fucking like rabbits is the fact that Monty has to work and that they don’t want to risk having a baby.

Murphy sighs.

Life had been a lot easier when he didn’t have to care about other people and their feelings.

Life had also been easier when he didn’t have to care about his own feelings.

Which brings him back to Bellamy and his weird – but probably justified–behaviour and he really doesn’t want to think about that. But as usual his head doesn’t cooperate with that.

He is about a second away from just banging his head against the wall to stop thinking when the door opens and Miller comes in.

Miller nods at him and Murphy nods back. He watches out of the corner of his eye as Miller drops down on the bed, tears off his boots and just rolls himself together in a ball.

Murphy blinks. “You okay?” he asks.

Miller rolls his eyes at him and Murphy is about to flip him off, when the door opens again and Monty comes in. He’s bringing a lot of cold air with him and Murphy yells at him to close the door.

Monty just raises his eyebrows at him and excuse you, it’s not like it’s  Miller’s bed that is right by the door. Murphy is the person who gets all of the cold air.

“You missed a lot of fun today,” Monty just says and drops down next to Miller on the bed. It takes them about four seconds to wrap themselves around each other and Murphy averts his eyes because somehow this makes him really uncomfortable. That’s what he gets for hanging out with a couple. Or whatever they’re calling themselves now.

“Like you freezing to death?” They must have spent a lot more time outside than he has because they look about as cold as Murphy felt when he had been watching Jaha.

“Very funny,” Monty props himself up on his elbow. “For the record we were making out in the cold because we thought you might need some privacy.”

“Why the fuck would I need privacy?” And oh how he needs exactly that. But that doesn’t mean that Miller and Monty can just assume this stuff about him.

“Because you’ve been edgy since… are we allowed to say his name again?”

This time Murphy does flip him off.

“Since Bellamy returned. So we thought - let’s give him the room for an hour.”

That’s… actually kind of nice. Murphy blinks and doesn’t really know what to say because they’re trying to be considerate of him and well… Murphy doesn’t mind admitting that he’s never had something like this before. Not out loud of course because he doesn’t want it to get to their heads but he doesn’t mind admitting it to himself. And it’s not like he used the whole hour since he spent about half of it in the kitchen.

“Thanks, I guess,” he tries and Monty just rolls his eyes while Miller huffs.

“Don’t be too grateful.”

“Fuck you, Miller.”

“Nah. Already taken.”

Monty croons.

Oh god, they are absolutely disgusting.

Murphy is about to turn around and call it a night when Monty speaks up again. “Did you tell him yet?”

Miller shakes his head and Murphy knits his brows. “Tell me what?”

“Well… since it’s New Year’s Eve tomorrow we’re gonna have some kind of celebration and we’re all supposed to get ‘fancy’ for that.”

So Murphy had not been that far off with his time prediction. What do you know.

But… “What do you mean fancy?”

“We will all get new clean shirts and trousers – well as many as we have anyway – and we’re supposed to get cleaned up before that.”

They both look like they really don’t want Murphy to know what’s coming next.

“So are they gonna cram us all in the bathroom or what?” Now that might be fun. Because Murphy just has that kind of luck that will get him right next to Reyes or Bellamy or Octavia. He is not gonna like this.

“We’re gonna be sorted by designation.” Monty’s voice is hesitant and fearful and it seems like he’s ready to jump off the bed. And Murphy doesn’t get what the problem is. So all of the Omegas…

And okay, now he gets it.

“They’re not gonna differentiate by sex?” he asks and he swallows because his voice sounds strained and thin.

He gets why both Monty and Miller – or well Miller not so much he doesn’t seem that bothered by it just mildly concerned – look a little bit like they expect him to faint. Or get up and punch someone in the face. And it’s not like he’s not thinking about it. He just doesn’t think he can because he feels like he might throw up.

“No, I already asked. It’s gonna be you, me, Jackson, Octavia and Clarke.”

Murphy is so going to get murdered tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

Murphy is going to get murdered today.

It’s the first thing he thinks when he wakes up, when Monty and Miller force him to attend breakfast, when he watches Miller leave to get ready and when it’s time for Monty and him to leave the room.

It’s an underlying feeling of dread, like Octavia will bash his head against a wall the second she sees him. Like Clarke will get out the knife she killed Finn with and start carving patterns into his skin. And he thinks that both of these might actually be unfounded fears – okay, maybe not the Octavia one – but he thinks that he’s thinking about this too much. They will probably ignore or angrily stare at him. Maybe there’ll some water spilled on his pants. But nothing more.

Oh boy is he wrong.

They are already there when he and Monty enter the part of the bathroom that has been reserved for the Omegas andisolated with a tarpaulin.

They turn around when the two of them enter and the look in Octavia’s eyes can’t be mistaken for anything other than what it is. Anger.

Clarke’s gaze is cold, calculating.

Monty just ushers him forward and when Murphy is about to put himself between Monty and the wall there’s a hand on his arm dragging him away.

“Let go!” he demands but Octavia just keeps looking at him while she puts him before the sink between Clarke and herself.

Monty opens his mouth but Murphy shakes his head. Not worth it.

It’s not like he didn’t know something like this was coming.

Nobody says anything and Murphy doesn’t move a single muscle when Octavia puts down her sword belt loudly. He won’t give them the satisfaction of being scared.

And he doesn’t have to because Jackson enters their segregated part of the bathroom, a Beta guard next to him. He looks uncomfortable and sighs before saying: “By the order of the Chancellor it’s my duty to inform you that there will be no more contraceptions given out unless in an emergency such as pregnancy resulting of rape or if the carrier is under the age of 15.”

Jackson stops and sighs and the Beta guard clears his throat. Straightening his back Jackson continues.

“This order is in no way meant to discriminate anyone, it is a result of the limited supplies currently available for all inhabitants. You can direct every complaint at me and I will take it to the Council.”

Jackson gives them all a stern look. “Did everyone understand this?” he asks and moves his hand up and down.

Murphy hears himself saying yes and everyone else does the same.

“Good, any questions or complaints?” He waves his hand from one side to the other and Murphy shakes his head.

The Beta guard looks at all of them one last time, nods at Jackson and leaves.

The second he is gone Octavia explodes next to him. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Jackson opens his mouth and then scratches his head.

“What do you think?” Murphy says, before he can think. “They want to raise the population without outright forcing us to breed.”

Octavia grips his hair and tugs his head back. “I don’t remember asking you!” Her voice is strained, anger just barely held back.

“He’s right,” Jackson interject and the grip on his hair lessens a bit.

Everyone turns around to Jackson, who has now taken the place at the sink between Octavia and Monty. He can see that Jackson is looking at him out of the corner of his eyes since Octavia has still got him in her grip.

“Everything okay?” he asks and Murphy just rolls his eyes.

“Awesome.”

And then Octavia’s hand is gone and he can see her turning around to Jackson and start pestering him with questions.

He sighs and looks down at the sink.

“So, are you pregnant?” Clarke asks quietly. Taking a look at her he can see that she’s trying to untangle her hair.

“Because having a baby has always been my dream?” It’s been five days and if Murphy is honest with himself he doesn’t really feel anything. Maybe because he hadn’t had time to get used to the idea or maybe he’s just not parent material but he’s not regretting it. He feels okay about it.

The hint of a smile steals itself on Clarke’s face. Murphy tugs his jacket and shirt off and leaves them in a pile on the floor.

He turns the tap to the left and waits for the water to come.

“With the right partner?”

Murphy snorts. “You trying to tell me something, princess? Are you pregnant?”

The water finally start flowing and he bends down and cups his hands. It’s freezing cold but he tries to forget about it and splashes it into his face. There’s some soap lying on the sink so he rubs it between his wet hands and starts lathering it on his face. There’s a lot more dirt coming down that he would have expected in the cold weather.

When his face is clean he realises that Clarke hasn’t answered him so he turns his face around to her, while he holds his hair under water. She’s just looking at him with that calculating look again.

“You are pregnant? Who’d you fuck?” Probably that Grounder Knot head… or maybe it’s more recent, maybe… maybe it’s Bellamy. Murphy feels a cold shudder run down his back. It’s not his business and he doesn’t have any claims but it still feels… it doesn’t feel nice.

“I’m not, I didn’t,” she finally says. And suddenly her hands are on the back of his head and Murphy is hallway convinced that she’s trying to drown him when he feels her hand in his hair, slowly untangling the few matted strands that he hadn’t been able to keep clean.

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to untangle this mess,” she simply says and if she wasn’t doing exactly that, Murphy would have thought that she meant something different.

“I mean really.”

“I just want to understand what happened in the last few months.”

“Didn’t Bellamy tell you enough?”

He hears Clarke snort. “That’s why I’m asking.”

And suddenly Murphy feels really cold. He freezes and he gets the weird feeling that Clarke’s hands on his head might turn into her hands around his neck. But she just keeps running through his hair.

“So ask,” he says. “Not that there’s more to what Bellamy probably already told you.”

One of her hands stays on his head and she bends over him. And then there’s a comb going through his hair.

“All done.” She lets him up and Murphy runs his hands through his hair. She still hasn’t asked any questions.

“So how’s Miller doing, anyway?” She turns around to the sink and Murphy looks as she puts the comb down. Should he offer to do the same for her?

But then she’s leaning down and gesturing towards her hair and Murphy steps closer and holds it back while she holds her whole face under water.

It’s weird. He’s never done that whole Omega bonding stuff before, especially not with people he doesn’t even like – and who don’t like him. And shouldn’t Clarke hate him? If Bellamy told her?

“Murphy?” Clark asks while she rubs soap on her face. “Miller?”

Oh yeah right. “He’s okay? I don’t know, ask Monty, they’re glued together at the hips these days. And I mean that in any way possible.”

She hums while the water runs over her face. “And you don’t mind?”

“As long as they’re not doing it with me in the room? Why should I?” he asks in return and Clarke raises her head again. Water is dropping down her neck and she pulls her shirt off too.

“I don’t know, reasons,” she says like the cryptic bitch she is.

And then he feels hands on his arm again and Octavia is looking at him like he just made the camp explode. “What are you doing there?”

“He’s just helping me, Octavia.”

“Clarke…” Octavia says appalled. “What are you doing?”

“Just trying to find the missing pieces.”

They’re staring at each other and Murphy looks from one to the other until Octavia lets him go. She bares her teeth at him and Murphy looks back to his sink and starts washing his upper body.

He throws a look at Clarke, who keeps looking from him to Monty and seems to listen only half-heartily to Octavia, who’s still ranting about the new rules and about Clarke’s stupid mother – no offence – and he feels like he missed a really big piece of the puzzle Clarke is talking about.

 

* * *

 

The new clothes feel weird and Murphy is pretty sure that they belonged to  Mountain Men at some point. It’s not like he cares but the shirt has buttons and they all look silly. They can still keep their old ones so Murphy won’t have to walk around in this one for the rest of his life but he still feels pretty weird.

And he’s not the only one. They managed to put Octavia in one – at which Murphy had quietly snickered to himself – because the first New Year’s Eve on the Ground is apparently something they all need to celebrate.

They put the food on the tables this time so no one has to get up and get it and Murphy just wants to stuff some of it down his ridiculous shirt and leave.

But they’re all in the canteen, and he’s sitting next to Monty, with Harper and Monroe across from him and Jasper on his other side. Not that he’s really noticeable since he apparently doesn’t really speak to any of them anymore. Murphy doesn’t want to know and doesn’t care.

He sees Clarke and Bellamy at another table with Raven, Octavia and Lincoln and she’s talking to him. Bellamy laughs at whatever she’s saying and Murphy ducks his head. Clarke has been nice to him so far but god does he hate her. And he really hates himself.

“Citizen of … the Camp!”

Clarke’s mum steps forward and everyone stops talking. She’s still Chancellor if Murphy isn’t mistaken but of course Kane is by her side as always. There are other adults standing next to her and he can even see Jaha creeping in the background somewhere.

“This is – hopefully – the first of many more New Years that we will celebrate on the Ground. In peace and with our children finally back in their homes.”

Someone whistles at that.

“Every single one of you has done an incredible job these past months to make this camp into a home for all of us. I think that with our combined effort we will be able to thrive and grow just as human life did once on this earth.”

Murphy rolls his eyes. Subtle hint to start with the baby making.

But someone actually claps at that and Murphy wants to hit them.

“But I know you’re all here for the food, so eat and have fun tonight.”

The whole room starts clapping but Murphy crosses his armsover his chest. He’s not gonna clap for someone who wants him to become nothing more than a damn breeder.

And then when everyone has finally calmed down he can start eating.

Murphy is about to put something like twenty pieces of meat on his plate when he realises that Monroe is looking at him.

“What?” he says and in the second it takes her to answer the plate is gone.

Harper sits down and inspects the meat. And then takes exactly the piece Murphy had wanted for himself. She also puts one on Monroe’s plate and looks at him, the plate still in her hand.

Her gaze flicks over to Miller who’s the person at the other end of the circle and he is going to fucking kill her. And then she cracks and starts laughing and the plate is exactly where it was before.

Belatedly Murphy realises that she was just teasing him. Like he’s her friend, like he’s part of the group.

He huffs and drive his fork into a piece with too much force. He wiggles his eyebrows at her and she pokes her tongue out and Monroe actually growls.

“Uhhhh,” Monty rolls his eyes. “Are we gonna get a fistfight?”

“Pff.” Murphy takes a piece for himself and then holds the plate out for Jasper who takes one absentmindedly. After this it finally gets to Monty and then to Miller. “Not really my type.”

That actually seems to offend both Monroe and Harper.

“So what is your type?” Monroe asks after they’ve all eaten in silence for about five minutes.

“Not female Betas?” he says because he doesn’t know what his type is. He knows people he might be interested in but he’s never spent much time trying to see if there is any resemblance between them.

Monroe makes a sound and keeps watching him, like she’s up to something. Murphy starts feeling like he’s left out on some joke or something.

“And what’s going on with you two?” Harper asks Monty and Miller who haven’t even cuddled once which Murphy can admit is really weird.

“My dad is here.”

“Is he still weird about it?” Murphy asks because if yes, than Miller’s dad is being stupid.

“Yeah, he thinks it’s too early to have… you know a stable long-term relationship, he wants me to go out there and have fun and all.”

“I’m just glad he doesn’t have a problem with me personally,” Monty adds.

“So are you two thinking about long-term?” It’s Monroe who asks and her gaze flips from one person to another.

Miller and Monty look at each other. “Well… not really,” Monty says.

“We’re not gonna _do_ anything to make it long term, but he thinks we’re spending too much together and all.” So they’re not going to mate like Octavia and Lincoln did. Murphy hasn’t really counted on them being that responsible.

“Maybe you need to spend time apart?” Harper asks. “Just to see how it goes?”

He hears both of their shocked gasps more then he sees them and immediately the two of them are tangled in each other with Monty’s head on Miller’s shoulder.

Murphy would like to roll his eyes at that but then he sees Miller’s dad. He’s standing up, at a table a few meters away from them and he’s looking directly at Miller and Monty.

“Guys,” he says and they both look forward. Even Harper and Monroe turn around.

“Oh shit,” Miller says but before anything else can happen Miller’s dad is being tugged down again by Jackson.

Wait… isn’t Miller’s dad sitting at the Guard table? And shouldn’t Jackson be at the medical staff’s?

Murphy huffs, _weird_.

 

The rest of the evening is actually kind of fun – not that he would ever admit that out loud – and he even manages to only look at Bellamy and Clarke twice. Okay, maybe twice in half an hour.

Harper and Monty make a lot of jokes and by the end of the night he’s heard even Jasper laugh – which makes Monty’s whole face light up every time.

There are no fireworks at midnight but someone had come up with an awesome idea of puttingdry corn in pots to make some noise. Murphydefinitely did not jump the first time he heard it.

He doesn’t know how late it is but at some point they’re all so drunk on moonshine that Monty falls over and Miller can’t walk straight enough to carry him alone. He leaves with them at a time where a lot of people have already left and when he looks back to the three others he realises that Monroe isn’t there.

He turns his head and looks around in the room and finds her next to Clarke, talking to her. They both turn their heads around to look at them and the determination on Clarke’s face makes him want to crawl under the table and hide for the rest of his life.

 

* * *

 

The next few days feel … weird. People stop giving him nasty looks and so far only one person spilled something on him and he only tripped twice over people’s legs. It’s an improvement and he’s very aware of the fact that it’s all Clarke’s fault.

Or maybe Murphy is just being paranoid and there isn’t someone constantly watching him and reporting to Clarke. Maybe these people just look into his general direction and then have to talk to Clarke. Stuff like that might happen.

So he’s not surprised when Raven walks past him a little too closely. She narrows her eyes and Murphy feels his lip twitch. He does manage to restrain himself from growling at her though.

He shakes his head because he still doesn’t understand what her problem is and makes a step forward in the line to get some breakfast. He’s still off work but he’s been told that there will be new jobs for everyone tomorrow or the day afterwards so he’s mostly hanging around in his room and trying not to be noticed. It’s exhausting.

“We have a problem,” Monty says when Miller and he finally join him in the line, hair a mess, lips swollen, with hickeys on their necks.

“Hm?” Murphy makes and points at his neck. Miller looks down and straightens the collar of his jacket.

“They put me on the hunting team.”

Murphy turns fully around. “You?” he asks Miller and Monty nods.

“You’re shit at hunting.” That’s why Miller had always been on construction with him. He’s too loud and doesn’t know where to step unlike Murphy who just has really shitty aim.

“ _I_ know that.”

“Everyone knows that,” Monty adds and Murphy shakes his head.

“Doesn’t make any sense, you’ll probably get killed.”

And then he looks through the room and finds Clarke watching them, Raven at her side.

Murphy starts to get the feeling that something really horrible might happen.

 

* * *

 

About one hour after lunch when Monty has finally let Murphy go – and it’s not like Murphy minds sitting around and watching Monty work and worry about his precious boyfriend all day. It’s mostly the fact that Monty’s workroom is right next to Raven’s, so while he doesn’t see her constantly, she did walk past their room a few times.

And she looked at them often enough without doing anything to freak Murphy the fuck out.

He’s walking out of the engineering area with the warmth of his room in mind – or well it’s at least not as cold as outside – when he hears a weird noise and sees someone disappear behind the corner of the bathrooms. There’s something dragging behind them on the ground and Murphy is pretty sure that there isn’t supposed to be anything behind the bathrooms yet.

He debates for a second if he should follow the person but honestly? Who is he that he should care about stuff like that?

He turns around without a second glance and has made it about twenty meters when he hears another weird noise.

Looking back at where he just came from he sees Jaha, rummaging through the pile of old scrap metal again and pulling something out.

Murphy takes a few steps back and watches as Jaha takes the wires and furls them up in a big ring over his shoulder.

“Are those wires?” he asks and Jaha looks up. As always there’s a smile on his face as he looks at Murphy and Murphy has to force himself not to step back. Jaha is fucking creepy.

“Wires?” Jaha asks and Murphy points at the things around his shoulder.

Jaha laughs. “Oh John, those are our destiny.” He hauls even more on his shoulder, swings a bit from one side to the other under their weight.

“How can wires be our destiny?” Murphy asks and Jaha knits his eyebrows together.

He blinks and seems to think about what Murphy is saying for a second.

“Well…” he starts, scratching his beard aggressively. “You will see that. Soon. She told me all about it.”

 _She_. Again. Jaha hadn’t been able to shut up about _her_ on their way back and Murphy start feeling really creeped out by Jaha’s constant mumbling about their destiny.

He is about to say something when he hears a scream and suddenly everyone is yelling. Murphy turns around to where the noise is coming from and sees a guard open the gate.

Oh shit. It’s one of the hunting parties and Murphy tries to see if there’s anyone in there that he knows and then yeah, there’s Bellamy, Monroe.

And then he sees that they’re carrying Miller.

Everyone is covered in blood.

Murphy throws one look back to Jaha and realises that he disappeared while Murphy has been otherwise occupied.

Since every single person is already calling for a doctor he does the only thing he can.

He gets Monty.

 

* * *

 

Murphy can’t stop scratching his nose. Monty won’t stop moving his legs.

They’re sitting in front of the medical room, waiting to hear back.

Miller is in there and another one of the hunters. He doesn’t know which one of them got hurt worse but he knows that there was a lot of blood. Most of the hunters are still here but everyone who had been involved in getting them back took off to change their clothes and get the blood of their hands.

“He wasn’t supposed to be there,” Monty whispers and Murphy bangs his head against the wall. “He’s not a hunter.”

“I know.” Murphy knows who is to blame for this.

He looks at Clarke who is standing on the other side of the corridor looking at her feet.

“Why did they put him on that team?”

He places his hand on Monty’s and can feel the strain in his body. He’s not sure if Monty is aware that Clarke is responsible. Monty looks like he might attack her if he would be aware of it.

When Bellamy’s scent enters his nose he turns around. In just that instant Bellamy comes around the corner. He’s got a fresh shirt on but still the same pants with a little bit of blood on them and he’s pale.

He puts one hand on Clarke’s shoulder and Murphy clenches his teeth. He doesn’t have the right to feel anything but he’s so angry at Clarke and this is not making it better.

But then Bellamy turns around and moves towards them. He crouches down in front of Murphy and Monty and Murphy is highly aware of the fact that Bellamy’s hands are only a few centimetres away from his knees.

“You okay?” Bellamy asks and Murphy looks down. He hears Monty mumble a short ‘yeah’.

“Murphy?”

“What happened?” he asks because he doesn’t feel okay and if he actually has to think about an answer he might just punch Clarke in the face.

“Got attacked by a boar. It was… it was huge, about the size of a horse and… it ripped open Gibbons’ side and then hit Miller. He was awake the whole way back, Gibbons wasn’t.”

Monty nods and Murphy scratches his nose again. He feels weird being so close to Bellamy.

“Do I know him?”

Bellamy snorts and runs his hand through his hair. “He attacked you when we were salvaging stuff at the Ark station crash site.”

“Was he the leader?” The one that had attacked him last month too?

“Yeah.”

“Good riddance.”

“You shouldn’t say that,” Monty says after snorting and Murphy turns around.

“Hey, if it’s him or Miller, I’ll fucking kill him myself.”

“I wouldn’t say that too loud if I were you.”

“Why?”

Bellamy sighs. “Not that anyone might think that there’s a reason that he of all people got injured or … killed, whatever it is.”

“Hey, I wasn’t even there.”

“But Miller was.”

“Yeah, while we’re at it, why?” Monty intervenes.

Bellamy shrugs. “I don’t know, I guess it was something about someone wanting a day off and him not having any other job at the moment?”

That’s bullshit and Bellamy has to know that. But the look on his face is so honest that he might even believe it.

Murphy leans forward and while he knows that he shouldn’t come close to Bellamy and that he doesn’t have any right to intervene in his relationships, this is about Monty and Miller.

“Why don’t you ask your girlfriend?” he says and Bellamy doesn’t give him the reaction he expects. He seems to be distracted for a second and Murphy sees his eyes drop to something that isn’t Murphy’s eyes. And then the moment is gone and Bellamy looks up and his brows draw together in confusion.

“My-” he starts and then follows Murphy’s gaze and looks back at Clarke.

She seems to realise that they’re both looking at her because she looks up and swallows.

“Clarke didn’t have anything to do with this,” Bellamy says and Murphy rolls his eyes at him.

“Listen, Murphy, she’s not-” He gets interrupted by the door sliding open.

Jackson steps out, hands and shirt covered in blood. He looks around and quickly finds Murphy and Monty.

Murphy only registers Bellamy steeping back out of the corner of his eye and then Jackson is the one crouching in front of them.

Murphy would have expected Monty to jump to his feet the second there is news but he’s gone rigid and he seems to have stopped breathing.

Jackson looks at them and gives them a smile. “He’s stable, awake and asking for you.”

Every little bit of tension leaves Murphy’s body and a second later Monty is gone and through the door and Jackson gets back up. He holds on hand out and Murphy lets him pull him to his feet.

“Maybe I should have mentioned that David is in there…”

“At least we’re already in medical.”

Jackson laughs.

“So how bad is it?” Murphy asks.

“No organ damage thankfully, but his skin got ripped open pretty wide. So it might take him a few weeks to get back on his feet.”

“What about…?”

Jackson shrugs. “Abby is still working on it, I’m going back in, so we’ll see.”

Murphy just huffs at that and Jackson gives him a judging look.

“Understood, you’re not just gonna let him die.”

“Good. Oh, um could you maybe find a new shirt for Nate. Something with buttons maybe?”

“Do I have to get in there and give it to them?”

“Murphy…”

“Because the second nobody looks they’ll start making out, even if it kills Miller.”

“Just go and get a shirt.”

Murphy snorts and turns around. He hears the door behind him open and knows that Jackson is gone again. When he looks up everyone is looking at him.

“What?” he asks.

 

* * *

 

Murphy is about two steps away from his room when Bellamy’s scent is everywhere around him. He turns his head around to look at Bellamy who’s catching up to him.

Before he can say anything else, Bellamy has put a hand on his collarbone and pushed him back against the wall. He’s not gripping his collar or his shirt and nothing is hurting, it's just his palm over Murphy’s chest and Murphy thinks that this is it. They’re going to talk about it. Maybe Bellamy is just going to beat the shit out of Murphy.

He’s not going to fight it, he deserves it.

But Bellamy just says. “What the fuck, Murphy?”

“What?” Is Murphy’s eloquent answer and Bellamy shakes his head. There are so many emotions in his eyes, confusion, pain and something else that Murphy can’t quite name. He wants to respond to that, Omega nature trying to please the Alpha in front of him but he doesn’t know how.

“What are Miller and Monty doing?”

“Making out or sappily cuddling? They’re so cute, it’s kinda disgusting.”

Bellamy’s mouth hangs open. “And you’re just letting them do that?”

“What am I supposed to do, play chaperone for them? Why should I care about that?”

“Because you’re better than that!”

“Better than what?” Murphy demands to know and shakes his head. He has absolutely no idea what Bellamy’s problem is. If this would be about what happened between them, he would get it but it’s not and not knowing what’s going on is making him really angry.

“You’re not making sense, Bellamy. What is this about? About Monty and Miller? Or about-” The ‘ _us’_ hangs between them like a sledgehammer and Bellamy just keeps staring at him.

“You don’t deserve this,” Bellamy says quietly and looks down.

“Don’t deserve what?” Murphy asks. He wants to say more, he wants to try to make sense of all of this but he can’t. Because as soon as he opens his mouth again, Bellamy kisses him.

It’s gentle, just a brush of lips against his and then it’s gone.

Murphy swallows.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Bellamy says and tries to step back. He only tries because Murphy has apparently grabbed his shirt with one hand.

He wants to let go, he wants to give Bellamy the chance to put some space between them but he is just so confused. He doesn’t know what’s going on and Bellamy just keeps looking at him and shouldn’t Bellamy be disgusted by him for what Murphy did to him?

And then Bellamy surges forward and this time Murphy is prepared. Bellamy puts one hand on Murphy’s neck and presses himself against him with his full body.

Their lips collide and Murphy opens his mouth to let Bellamy’s tongue in.

Murphy wants to touch him, wants to use his free hand to bury his fingers in Bellamy’s curls but he feels like he can’t, so he just kisses back and forces Bellamy’s tongue back only to push his own into Bellamy’s mouth.

Bellamy growls. Murphy might get a bit week in the knees.

The hand on Murphy’s chest wanders lower. Bellamy’s thumb presses into Murphy’s hipbone and he honest to god whines in Bellamy’s mouth.  
It feels like the most pathetic sound he’s ever made but he doesn’t mind because Bellamy is kissing him and touching him and everything in him tells him that this is right and this is how it’s supposed to be.

And then it’s gone.

Bellamy’s face is about a finger’s breadth away from him and he’s panting against his lips. Murphy is pretty sure he’s doing the same.

“I-I-I’m… fuck,” Bellamy says and Murphy swallows. “I’m sorry.”

“Okay,” Murphy says. He doesn’t know what Bellamy is sorry for and he doesn’t know what’s going on. He wants more. But Bellamy called it quits and he knows that he can’t just kiss him now. They both know how that ended the last time.

Bellamy nods hectically like they’re agreeing on something. His fingers on Murphy’s skin are hot and Murphy doesn’t know what to do.

“It won’t happen again,” Bellamy says and it feels like he is apologising for something.

“Okay,” Murphy says again and Bellamy is still nodding, still looking at him with those eyes and Murphy wants to die right now just so that he doesn’t have to deal with all of this feelings and emotions anymore.

They’re standing there for a few moments until Murphy realises that he’s still holding onto Bellamy’s shirt. He untangles his fingers and lets his hand fall down to his side. Bellamy follows it with his eyes and then apparently becomes aware of his own hands. The hand on his hipbone is the one to go first.

Murphy feels Bellamy’s thumb caress his lips and swallows again and he doesn’t know what’s going on.

And then the hand is gone and Bellamy makes an actual step back. His whole skin is tingling.

“I’ll leave.”

“I’ll get that shirt.”

Bellamy flinches as if Murphy has just said something really hurtful and then turns around on his heel and walks down the hallway with a speed that’s more running that walking.

Murphy watches him disappear and then slides down the wall.

What the hell is happening?

 

* * *

 

Murphy enters medical and throws the shirt at Monty, who’s sitting next to Miller with his head on Miller’s arm.

He doesn’t hear what or if they’re saying anything but just marches straight towards Jackson, who’s currently talking to Miller’s dad.

There’s a cloth over something on a table and he realises that this might be Gibbons but at the moment he doesn’t care.

“I need to talk to you,” he simply says. He doesn’t know what his voice sounds like because there’s some kind of sharp noise in his ears and darkness around the edges of his vision.

He sees Jackson nod and then he says something to Miller’s dad who makes his way towards the corpse on the table. Jackson points somewhere and then starts walking. Murphy follows him but it doesn’t feel like he’s moving his limbs himself. They enter a small room – a supply closet he would later remember – and Jackson closes the door behind them.

Murphy opens his mouth, tries to say something but nothing comes out.

“Murphy, you need to breathe.”

He closes his mouth and his eyes and Jackson puts his hands on Murphy’s shoulders. He’s not sure if he manages to calm himself down or if it’s Jackson’s calming presence.

But in the end he can take one long breath and his lungs hurt and his throat aches and he still smells Bellamy on himself.

“He kissed me,” he says and it sounds so stupid in his head, like he’s just another one of those stupid teenagers just trying to get laid out there.

“I raped him and he kissed me and then he apologised.”

He buries his head in his hands and he has to laugh because Jackson is rubbing his back like he’s having a mental breakdown.

“I’m not crying,” he clears the situation up and Jackson snorts.

“Is it helping?”

It is. It feels like he’s making it into a much bigger thing because Murphy is _fine_ he just needs to calm down a bit and understand the whole thing and then he can go back to avoiding everyone and feeling bad for himself.

“Why do you think Bellamy kissed you?” Jackson asks and Murphy laughs, because it feels like the appropriate response.

“I don’t know. We were arguing about me just being okay with whatever he was talking about and deserving better and then he kissed me.”

Jackson hums. “And that only happened today?”

“About ten minutes ago?”

“And has he made any other efforts to talk to you since he’s been back?”

Murphy shakes his head. “No, wait, we talked in the kitchen but that was more an accident.”

Jackson hums.

“What?” He lets his hands fall down because he thinks he might be starting to feel normal again. Jackson got a concentrated, calculating look on his face like he might have an idea what’s going on.

“What do you know?” he asks and Jackson raises his eyebrows.

“I,” he stops and huffs. “I might have an idea, but I want to make sure that I’m right before saying anything.”

Murphy shakes his head. “You sound like Clarke. She’s been talking about untangling messes and connecting the dots too…”

“Well then I know where to start, don’t I?” Jackson says and Murphy shakes his head.

“You know it’s her fault that we’re even in this mess, she’s the one who wanted Miller on the hunting team. And that’s the only reason why he got hurt.”

“Yeah but why?”

Murphy raises his eyebrows.

“I mean why would Clarke want Miller on the hunting team? And why now?”

“You think there’s a hidden meaning to that?”

“I’m gonna find that out.” Jackson smiles and Murphy looks at him confused.

“You can’t just ask her.”

“Of course I can.”

It’s not going to work like that. Clarke won’t just give this information up. But maybe… maybe because it’s Jackson. He thinks they’ve known each other for longer even though he never cared enough to actually know for how long or how well. But how will Clarke react if she hears that Bellamy kissed him? She knows about what happened and he’s pretty sure that she and Bellamy are doing it so… she’ll probably blame Murphy. And she would be kind of right.

“Oh and Murphy?” Jackson says and gives him a smile. Murphy doesn’t like this smile. It feels like Jackson is going to eat him any second.

“What?” he asks.

“I think you might be able to feel a little bit optimistic about your situation with Bellamy.”

Murphy blinks. And then he starts laughing because the whole thought is just so ridiculous.

“I raped him, Jackson, I fucking raped him.”

Jackson stops rubbing his back and puts the hand on his shoulder instead.

“And he kissed you.”

“So?!”

“What do you think that means?”

“That he’s crazy?”

Jackson just chuckles at that and Murphy is pretty sure that he might be the only person in this whole camp that’s not going insane. At the moment, even Jaha seems saner than everyone else.

 

* * *

 

Murphy does the only plausible thing.

He avoids Bellamy.

Whenever he sees Bellamy he turns around. Whenever Bellamy enters a room and he doesn’t have to stay, he leaves. He thinks Bellamy might be trying to talk to him but Murphy can’t do this.

He could accept it if Bellamy goes to the Council, he could accept it if Bellamy punches him in the face but he can’t look at him when there is that one emotion in his eyes that Murphy can’t interpret.

So he leaves. And he spends about two days in his room until everyone finally gets a new job and he can spend his waking hours working and not thinking.

So about three days after his encounter with Bellamy he’s elbows deep in fish guts. Because of course someone thought it would be a great idea to let Murphy eviscerate the fish that they’re still catching.

And it’s not like he’s bad at it, he’s had to do it before at the Dropship but it’s probably one of the most disgusting jobs they have.

Only one step above latrine duty.

And okay Murphy really wouldn’t want to do _that_ and it’s not as cold in here as it is outside – even though they do keep this part under their room temperature for the meat before they put it outside again – but he’s not alone and he isn’t around anyone he actually likes. Harper is the person who’s hanging up everything outside so he sees her every few minutes but they don’t know each other that well and they don’t have time anyway.

Murphy sighs as he cuts the next fish open and rips all of the innards out. The hook in its mouth is the next thing to go and he replaces it with a big one, made to hang on a line.

He’s so distracted by passive-aggressively preparing the fish that he jumps when someone snaps their fingers in front of him.

The fish falls down on the table and Murphy closes his eyes.  
“What the fuck, Miller’s dad,” he says and Miller’s dad narrows his eyes.

“I do have a name.”

“I’m aware,” Murphy snarls and turns around. “What is it?”

“You have been summoned.”

“Summoned?”

“Before the Chancellor.”

“What?” He hasn’t done anything- oh. Oh god. This is it. This is the moment he’s been waiting for. Bellamy finally pressed charges or whatever they’re calling it now.

“Any reason why?” he squeaks and throws a look to his supervisor who is apparently informed and only waves him away.

“No idea,” Miller’s dad answers and Murphy hurries after him.

He hasn’t been down to the official Chancellor’s office before, mostly because Clarke’s mother spends most of her time in medical anyway but when they get there, there’s a line of people waiting.

Octavia, Lincoln, Miller, Clarke, Jackson and Bellamy are all leaning against the walls. Miller’s dad just places him next to Miller and then stands at the far end. Probably so that no one can escape. Not that Murphy is going to escape if he is meant to stand trial for what he did.

“Anything new?” he hears Miller’s dad ask and when he throws a look in Jackson direction he only sees him shaking his head.

“Who’s in there?” he asks Miller, because he has kind of been expecting to be the only one and maybe have Bellamy inside of the room. Not… this.

“Monty. They summoned us all,” Miller says quietly.

“Why?” It’s stupid. Miller is supposed to be on bed rest in his room, not standing around and reopening his stitches.

Miller shrugs but he can see his jaw working.

“I think,” Miller starts and now his voice isn’t more than a whisper. He bends down to Murphy and Murphy leans his head towards Miller to hear him better. “That it might be about the… stuff…”

Murphy narrows his eyes.

“You know all Omegas are here and Lincoln and Bellamy were both involved in the … _creation_ of it.”

Oh shit.

“They can’t arrest us for that, can they? It’s not like there’s a law against it…”

Miller just scoffs and bangs his head against the wall.

This is seriously fucked up. And now they have Monty in there. Monty who took the leaves without it having any kind of reaction. It’s not fair. Maybe he should offer to clear Monty’s name. But what if they’re just fishing for clues and don’t really know if anything happened.

He exhales loudly and takes a look through the room. Bellamy is leaning against the wall that’s opposite to him and he’s only going to look for a second.

But Bellamy is staring at him with _that_ look in his eyes again and he can see Clarke gripping his hand, like she’s physically holding him back from something.

Murphy swallows. He wants to look away, he wants to ignore Bellamy, he wants to get it over with but he can’t look away.

He’s hurt and he doesn’t know what is going on and he’s so angry. He is pretty sure that he might have started yelling at Bellamy to do something if the door didn’t open in that moment.

“Mr Murphy please,” Kane demands and Murphy tears his eyes away from Bellamy. He takes one look at Monty who looks shaken and who’s being escorted by a guard and they walk right past them. He can hear Miller yell. And then the door is closed.

Clarke’s mother sits at a table that has another chair across from her and Kane takes his place at the wall behind her.

“Please take a seat,” she says and Murphy carefully sits down. She looks pissed and Kane looks almost bored.

“We have some questions regarding a discovery in the laundry,” Kane says and Murphy, who’s been feeling slightly afraid so far, stops breathing.

Oh god.

“What kind of discovery?” he asks, forcing his voice to sound normal.

Clarke’s mother waves her hand and Kane puts two blood-stained pieces of clothing in front of him.

He doesn’t have to look at them, to know that they’re his. He should have been more careful.

“This blood leads us to the conclusion that someone performed an unauthorised abortion on themselves.”

“Hm, didn’t know you’re allowing authorised abortions after all that new rules about getting us to have babies. Could also have been a miscarriage?”

“Mr Murphy,” Clarke’s mother snaps at him. “If someone in this camp had a miscarriage don’t you think they would have come to us? Someone hid these pieces in the laundry room in the hope that they would go unnoticed. They didn’t.”

Murphy doesn’t say anything.

“From the smell of it, we’re pretty sure it was an Omega, so we’re asking you if you know who did this.”

He crosses his arms in front of his chest. Clarke’s mother sighs and puts something on the table. The herbs.

“We found three of these plants growing in the garden. We know what their medical use is and we have it from a source that Lincoln and Mr Blake have been actively involved in growing these plants.”

He looks at the wall over Kane’s shoulder.

“Mr Murphy,” Kane starts. “I’d like you to know that we consider this a violation of the law that will be followed by an appropriate punishment. We would however be able to lessen the punishment of someone who would name the responsible parties.”

“You want to punish your own people for not feeling safe enough to have kids?” he asks because this is ridiculous.

“It’s not about safety,” Clarke mothers interject and Murphy laughs.

“It is. Seriously have you seen people in love? They’re so stupid they’re gonna have kids the second they think it’s safe. You don’t need to give everyone a hint. Next year the camp is gonna be overflowing with kids.” He rolls his eyes. “Unless we’re gonna get attacked by Grounders or someone drops a bomb on us.”

Kane and Clarke’s mother look at each other. “So you admit that you would have done it if you’d have been the pregnant person.”

“I’m a seventeen year old, unmated Omega who doesn’t like children. If I was pregnant, I would do it.”

“Well,” Clarke’s mother puts her hands on the table. “You’ll join Mr Green in medical then. We’re are thankfully able to do some easy tests since we’ve salvaged a lot of Mr Weathers technology. We’ll know soon enough.”

He’s not going to rise to the bait. He is better than that. Still, his hands start shaking and he feels his neck get hot. And they both just keep looking at him.

Murphy is thankfully saved from them saying anything else or doing something stupid himself because there’s a commotion outside. Murphy turns around in his chair and the door opens. Clarke comes in, looking like she’s on a war path.

“That’s enough,” she says. Her mother gets up.

“Clarke, you don’t under-”

“You,” Clarke points at him. “Out.”

Jumping to his feet Murphy flees out of the room. The last thing he hears Clarke say to them is: “And you two are going to listen very carefully to me.”

And then he’s out of the door and everyone is there. Monty is out of breath and everyone is kind of huddled around him. They look up when he comes out.

“What the hell?” he asks and Jackson smiles.

“Monty knocked his guard out and ran back here to tell us what they’re looking for. And then Clarke happened.”

A grin steals itself on Murphy’s lips. “Good job, Monty.”

“Yeah I mean I think they knew that those pants weren’t mine, but you know. Better safe than sorry.”

Everyone laughs at that until. “What do you mean they weren’t yours?” Octavia asks. “Lincoln said he gave you something.”

“I mean,” Monty starts and looks straight at Murphy.

Which of course makes everyone else turn around.

“You?” Octavia asks, stepping closer. He can see both Lincoln and Bellamy reaching for her but she pushes them away. “Why would you… oh my god, they were your clothes weren’t they?”

“So?” Murphy asks head held high. It’s probably suicide to talk back to her, especially since she’s been trying to become a Grounder so hard, but the cat is already out of the bag so what the hell.

“So who’s the daddy?” she demands to know and her eyes flicker over to someone else which is definitely a good thing, because this way she can’t see that he’s looking at Bellamy for the fraction of a second. It happens unconsciously and he’s cursing himself for it because in that second Bellamy realises and his whole face goes slack.

“I need to go,” Murphy says and before anyone else can do anything he’s run past them. As soon as he’s around the corner he starts running because no, he won’t do that now and he can’t do that now.

“Murphy!” Bellamy yells but Murphy just ignores him. He’s not fast enough and Bellamy is way faster but he makes it through a good part of the ship before Bellamy catches him and turns him around. They collide and thankfully don’t fall down but it ends with Murphy pressed against the wall. Again.

“Murphy, wait, for fucks sake,” Bellamy says and Murphy stops struggling. He looks down on his feet. He stands by his decision. But that doesn’t mean that he wants to talk to Bellamy about it.

He looks down and tries to breathe through his mouth. Bellamy is giving pheromones off in waves. Confusion, anger and everything else he’s feeling and Murphy doesn’t know what to say.

“Is it true? You were pregnant? And it was…”

He shrugs and nods.

“Fuck…”

He looks up for a second and can see that Bellamy has lowered his head, hand before his mouth. He’s not sure if Bellamy is angry at him and he’s ready to fight him on this topic but he wishes that Bellamy could just say something to him.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry for not being there,” Bellamy says and Murphy smiles bitterly.

“It didn’t have anything to do with you.” He closes his eyes. Fuck that came out wrong.

Raising his head and looking at Bellamy, he says: “I made that choice with me in mind. Of course you had a part in that train of thoughts, but it was mostly about me.”

Bellamy nods and the hint of a smile creeps on his face. “That’s understandable.”

“Yeah, I mean have you met me? I can barely take care of myself.”

They both laugh at that and when he looks at Bellamy, he actually feels okay for a second because Bellamy is smiling at him and they’re having a kind of normal conversation.

“I get why you did it and obviously I don’t have any say in this… but I still kind of wish that I could have been there, just for support.”

Murphy nods. “I didn’t really have time to think about it too much, I knew what I was gonna do and it’s for the better. I mean considering everything…”

Bellamy frowns. “Everything.”

“You know, you have Clarke now and-”

“Murphy, wait-”

“You know with the way it was conceived…”

Bellamy flinches. His arm drops away from Murphy and he takes a step back.

“You’re right, I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” Murphy finally says and Bellamy shakes his head.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”

“Of course I have, it’s my fault-”

“Murphy, stop!”

His mouth falls shut the second Bellamy raises his voice.

“I’m not blaming you, I know that it wasn’t your fault.”

Murphy wants to interject but one look from Bellamy gets him to not try that. But it’s not Bellamy’s fault for god’s sake, it’s Murphy’s and Murphy doesn’t want him to think that he is anything else than the victim here.

But he also knows that Bellamy is as stubborn as a mule and probably won’t listen to anything else.

“I’m sorry for running after you, I shouldn’t have done that,” Bellamy says and Murphy looks at him like he’s grown a second head.

“Okay…”

“Okay,” Bellamy says and walks away.

Murphy shakes his head at the absurdity of the whole thing.

He takes a few deep breathes and then just starts walking back towards his workplace.

And of course, because he has absolutely no luck and the universe hates him, he runs into Jaha on the way.

Jaha is pulling a big canister over the ground to wherever he’s hiding these days.

“Is that gunpowder?” he asks, while stopping directly in front of Jaha.

Jaha looks at him and opens his mouth to say something but Murphy is already done with the situation.

“You know what, I don’t care, do what you want.”

“Don’t be so sad, John, our destiny will soon find us!” Jaha yells after him and Murphy just flips him off.

 

* * *

 

They put an in-official halt to the contraception restriction. Nobody talks about it but everyone hears that you can get them if you really need them or that there are herbs you might try.

Murphy doesn’t know what Clarke did to make them see reason and he’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to know.

Within five minutes everyone knows about it and within five minutes everyone knows that the herbs actually worked because Murphy managed to get rid of a baby with it. He’s pretty sure that it’s Kane and Clarke’s mother’s fault. It feels like something they would do out of spite.

So while everyone is looking at him again, he doesn’t really feels like he wants to stay at work longer than he absolutely has to.

Making his way to Jackson’s room he tries to come up with a reasonable way of saying ‘everyone is talking about me again, make them stop’. He’ll probably just end up whining on Jackson’s bed but Murphy feels like he lost every single bit of dignity already when it comes to talking to Jackson.

Jacksons’ door is unlocked most of the time, so he just opens it and finds Jackson on the bed, sitting on top of someone with his stomach exposed.

“I know we can do something to make this go away, but I’m kind of excited,” Jackson says, smile obvious in his voice.

Miller’s dad has his hands around his waist and is smiling at him broader than Murphy would think is possible.

At least right until the moment he notices Murphy.

“Shit!” he says and Jackson turns around.

“Jackson,” Murphy says. “Miller’s dad.”

And then he closes the door because he’s seen enough and they’re obviously busy. And in love. And stupid.

When he enters his room Monty is already there, lying on the bed with Miller who still isn’t allowed to spend too much time on his feet. There's also a bottle of moonshine keeping them company and he’s not sure Miller should be drinking with his wound.

“I think you’re getting a sibling,” he says and Miller nearly chokes on his drink.

 

* * *

 

The next morning Miller insists on coming with them to breakfast. He doesn’t care about these things normally so neither Monty nor Murphy try to change his mind. They walk slowly and the hall is already full when they arrive. Miller stops and Murphy sees him scan the crowd until he stops at his dad, with Jackson by his side.

And if Murphy is honest, he seriously hasn’t noticed anything before. Of course now that he knows everything makes sense and he wants to hit himself for not noticing it sooner.

“Are you sure?” Monty suddenly says and when Murphy turns around to the two of them he sees that Miller is holding his hand out to him.

“If he can knock up someone who’s like five years older than I am, than I can hold my boyfriend’s hand.”

Monty smiles at that and Murphy rolls his eyes. “Jesus Christ.”

“You know, you can go, if you want.”

“I’m not going in there alone.”

Miller just looks at him, obviously judging him and starts walking. His and Monty’s hands are intertwined as they walk through the door.

And then Clarke is at his side. “I need to talk to you” she says and pulls him away from them.

“But… breakfast.”

 

* * *

 

They sit down outside which is fucking unfair because it’s cold and he is hungry and Murphy really hates her.

“I saw what Miller and Monty are going to do and I think that there might be a conversation ahead that you might need some better insight for.”

“What are you talking about?” he asks because just like every other person in this camp she’s not making any sense.

“Are you dating Miller?”

“What? What kind of stupid question if that? He’s dating Monty.”

“Did you ever date Miller?”

“No, he’s been awkwardly dating Monty since like forever.”

Clarke sighs. “Good, because Bellamy thinks you are.”

“He what now?”

“Yeah. He told me that you and Miller grew closer after your heat and before he left.” Clarke looks at him, like she’s searching for an answer in his face, like he can’t be trusted to tell the truth.

“Then he’s fucking blind.”

“Good.” She looks away from him and into the distance. “Because he’s gonna come out here in about five minutes and he’s gonna tell you how much better you deserve and-”

“Oh my god,” Murphy interrupts her. “That’s what that was about? He thinks Miller is cheating on me with Monty?”

Clarke nods. Murphy groans. “That is so stupid.”

“What did you think happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been avoiding him, not talking to him, if you’re as into him as I think you are, why didn’t you do anything?”

“You said he told you about what happened between us?”

She quickly nods and goes back to studying his face.

“Then you know that he didn’t want me for his heat. And I didn’t care. So I raped him.”

She snorts at that. “What makes you think that?”

“He said that if he had realised what would happen, he would have chosen someone else.”

“During a time in which he thought you were dating Miller and didn’t actually want him.”

No no no, that doesn’t make any sense. That… Murphy looks down on his hands.

“I actually asked him about it, you know, and he was shocked because he’s under the impression that he made you sleep with him, even though you didn’t want him.”

“But why did you ask him if you didn’t know I thought I raped him?” It’s so complicated his head is starting to hurt. He wants it to stop. But on the other hand. He is so close to figuring out what’s going on.

“I got approached by an outside source that asked me to inquire about Bellamy’s feelings concerning you and his rut and he was not happy that I insisted on something like that.”

Oh god damn it, Jackson. That was his way of asking Clarke? How could he tell someone? How could he tell _Clarke_?

“He was just trying to help. Thought I had more luck getting it out of Bellamy.”

He snorts. Of course she does.

“Of course, you’re his girlfriend now.”

She sighs and suddenly there’s a hand on his. “I’m not his girlfriend, never was, never will be.”

Murphy blinks. Looks down at their hands. And looks back to her voice. She’s looking annoyed and amused at the same time and Murphy tries to think about all the other things that are wrong between him and Bellamy and that no one is able to fix.

But there’s nothing. If he didn’t rape Bellamy, and Bellamy knows that he isn’t dating Miller and…

“What about everyone else?” he asks.

“They were thinking you were stringing Bellamy along.”

“Huh,” he makes and goes back to thinking about his problems.

“Are you telling me that there’s absolutely no reason for any of this? That if we had just talked about it, everything would be fine?”

Clarke actually starts snickering. He’s not sure if the wilderness did her much good. “Well you’re two stupid idiots who don’t know how to communicate.”

It can’t be that easy. It never is. Especially not in his life. He’s half convinced it’s some kind of really elaborate prank that she’s been preparing for the two weeks she has been back.

“You know it wasn’t easy to find out where exactly the problem was, but I did it. A thank you would be nice.”

“Thanks,” he says without much meaning. He feels like he might have a panic attack.

“I need to talk to Bellamy,” he realises and Clarke scoffs.

“You two need to talk about a lot, honestly.”

She slaps his thigh two times and gets up. Murphy can’t do anything than to follow her with his eyes.

“I’m gonna go get him and he can meet you at the bathrooms? I think they won’t be used that much during breakfast.”

He nods and watches her leave.

“Hey, Clarke,” he calls after her when she reaches the door. “Why help me?”

She looks into the distance for a second and then back at him. “Because I’m done with only destroying things. And Bellamy deserves a few good things. You don’t really count as a good thing, but you’re getting better.”

He can only laugh at that, still not sure what exactly is even happening and shakes his head.

He thinks about just saying ‘ _fuck you’_ to her because she did kind of insult him there and she is responsible for nearly getting Miller killed but then decides against it.

“Thanks,” he calls after her and she just raises her hand.

Murphy gets slowly up and makes his way to the bathrooms. The whole thought of all of his problems being turned into dust feels weird and uncommon to him but he has to smile as he tugs his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

 

* * *

 

He’s nearly at the bathrooms when Jaha runs past them like he’s being chased by Reapers.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this!” he screams and Murphy stops mid-step. Jaha sees him and moves his arm in his direction as if to push him out the way.

“Save yourself, John!”

And then he is gone. Murphy looks after him and rolls his eyes. Whatever Jaha’s problem is, it can wait.

But then he feels the earth quake.

He hears the explosion before the building in front of him bursts into a thousand pieces and he feels the heat of the fire before it touches his skin.

 _We don’t need someone else to through a bomb on us, we can do that ourselves,_ he thinks before his world turns into fire and pain.

**Author's Note:**

> Did it blow your mind? Eh? See what I did there? Okay I'll stop.
> 
> This is a friendly reminder that I am aware of what kind of fics/endings I write, so if you have strong feelings or you need to scream at me you can do that here on ao3 (I generally answer all comments) or on [ tumblr](http://www.everknowing.tumblr.com) my askbox is always open.
> 
> I'd also like to thank you guys for the nice words and good wishes I got from you after I posted the last chapter. My situation is a lot better now, I managed to fix my problem with the help of the dean of my faculty, which means that I'll have to start writing my thesis soon which yeah... I could live without that. ;) Still, thank you, to all of you. ( ˘ ³˘)


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